Memories of the Past
by miss-lily-lupin
Summary: Sirius Black sits in Azkaban dwelling on all of the horrible memories that enter his mind, and with each one his hate for Peter grows.


Tear. Rip. I ripped their hearts away. Destroy. Kill. I killed them. Blood. Death. I sent them to their deaths. Choose. Trust. They trusted me. Love. Betrayal. He betrayed them!

I stood so quickly that my weak muscles screamed out in agony, but I didn't care. My whole body was numb from the ever-ending coldness. I thrashed out and began to hit the walls and kick at them hoping for comfort and ignoring the pain that it caused. 

"My fault! My fault! All my fault!" I banged myself against the wall until I drew blood. And then, and only then, was I satisfied enough to huddle back in the corner of the perfectly square chamber. I could hear the animals beside me shout out their own comfort in this hellhole… _No, not animals, humans,_ I reminded myself firmly.

I rocked back and forth repeating the same line over and over again. "My fault. My fault. All my fault. My fault." I began to rock more violently and began to smash my head against the wall not caring about the pain.

I froze abruptly and began to shake my head- slowly at first, but then quicker and quicker. I got back up and began to pace the room not being able to hold still.

"No! Not my fault! _His_ fault! All his fault! We trusted him! He betrayed us! HE BETRAYED US!" I ran over to the cell door and began to pound profoundly. "I want out! I must get out! I'm innocent! Not my fault! Not MY FAULT!" When nobody came I sunk to the floor by the cell door and cried. I didn't hear any footsteps, but I knew that _they_ were coming. 

I quickly got back up, not bothering to wipe my tears that felt like ice against my pale face. I backed against the far wall from the door and began to repeat, "No. No, please no! I'm- No! I'm innocent! Innocent! Please! No!" 

I felt the temperature drop by at least 60 degrees and memories filled my head. I whimpered as I tried to hide in the corner of my chamber without success. As the coldness overcame me I dropped to my knees. I didn't have the strength, not this time, to turn into my dog form, so as I fell onto the floor the horrible memories of my past came back to me at full force. 

~*Flashback – Date: July 21, 1978*~

Everyone was cheering. Everyone was happy. Especially my companions and I who had box seats. Jackie Ibarra had just spotted the snitch and everyone was on his or her feet.

"And Ibarra of the Tornadoes races across the field as he spots the snitch!" The announcer shouted.

I faintly remembered James jumping up and down beside me, shouting, "Go! Go!" before everything was suddenly turned upside-down. The players had all suddenly frozen in mid-air and a thicket of clouds had suddenly blocked the sun from view. 

People started to scream as cloaked men wearing mask covered the field. James and I looked at each other, two men fresh out of the Auror Training Academy, and made and understanding using only our eyes. We started to run out the door to try to stop the Death Eaters, when we heard a horrible cry of agony that we had heard twice once a month since we were fifteen.

We turned back and saw Remus clutching his ribs and on all fours. Lily, Aurora, Trinity, Mina, and Peter were all knelt by his side. Without waiting for James to react I ran over to Remus who was now shaking violently.

"Damn. Remus, what's happening?" I asked as I bent down to look at his face. There were beads of sweat on his forehead and his eyes were squeezed shut. 

"Sirius… I think I'm changing." Remus gasped out. He slowly looked at me and I saw the pain and frightened look in his hazel eyes. _That's impossible_, I thought as I grasped Remus' hand in a means of comfort and looked at James to see if he had heard. He had. _It's the middle of the day and the full moon is two weeks away. There's no way._

And then I remembered who was down in the pitch. I stood and letting go of Remus' hand, ran over to the balcony and looked down at the Death Eaters. They were no longer in the middle of the field; they were now scattered among the crowd.

_BANG!_

We all turned, excluding Remus, to see what had caused the noise. The door was flung open and in stepped three Death Eaters. We had the advantage in numbers, but they had the element of surprise. 

Everyone in the room went for their wands, but none of us made it. The leader of the three raised his wand quicker than the rest and said, "_Crucio!_"

The spell wasn't only aimed at one of us; it was aimed at all of us. And as I fell down to the ground crying out in agony, I wasn't alone. I faintly remember that only Remus hadn't been hit with the curse since he hadn't been standing. I remember him crawling over to me and grasping my hand as I did his.

I also remember the way I felt when he was pulled away.

Two of the Death Eaters yanked him up, and being too weak to break away, he put up little fight. 

"Lets go." Said the leader.

"Wait. While we're hear, lets do away with Black and Potter." The one on Remus' left said.

"Those weren't our orders, and you know it." The leader shouted. "Now, lets go."

"We have the opportunity right in front of us, we can't let it pass us!" The other insisted.

"No. Our orders were to get the beast and go. Now lets go!" Both of the Death Eaters holding Remus grunted in dislike and disapparated with my pack member. The leader stopped the curse and disappeared as well. 

I didn't even wait for the aftereffects of the curse to wear off. I just got to my feet and effortlessly tried to follow them though I had no idea where they disapparated. 

James caught up with me and put his hand on my shoulder. I just shrugged it off. This time he grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

"James! We have to go after him! We have to!" 

"Where would we go, Sirius? We have no idea where they took him!"

"I don't know! I just know that they only took him because of that stupid curse! And we've got to save him!" I made another attempt to follow them again, but James held me back once more.

"He's gone, Sirius! And the only way we're getting back is if we think rationally." James said forcefully. I looked at James and shook my head. 

"He can't be gone, James, he can't."

~*End Flashback*~

In the back of my mind, I knew that we eventually found Remus and he had come back fine, but because of the dementors that lured outside my cell I could not force myself to remember the happiness I felt that day.  I could only remember the pain I felt when he was taken away.

I'll never forget that pain… that panic. Not while I'm here. I'm innocent though! I don't deserve to be here! However, the dementors aren't too good at listening to excuses, now are they?

As I shook violently on my cell floor, I made a mental note to tell Remus that I don't and never did blame him for this torture that I was enduring… If I ever saw him again that is.

~*Flashback – Date: February 3, 1980*~

Why they would send one senior and two fresh out of the academy Aurors to take on two experienced Death Eaters was beyond me. Everyone at the Ministry knew that I basically only worked well with James, and he wasn't even the other academy graduate that they had sent. My partners were Jack Roberts, the senior Auror, and Elizabeth Owens, the other fresh out of the academy Auror. 

As we sneaked through the halls, the three of us were hoping for a surprise attack, but when the no-good wizards you are trying to capture are spouses, they have the upper hand no matter what. So, as Liz began to straggle from our close line of "follow the leader," she had no chance.

"_Avada Kedavra!_" A man's voice shouted as the house filled with green light. I turned just in time to see Liz's limp body fall to the ground in a heap. I felt frozen. I had never seen anyone die before, and I never imagined that it would be so- _quick_. Luckily for me, Jack reacted quicker than I did, and pulled me behind a couch to hide.   
"How the hell did they know?" I croaked out at him as I listened intently on the footsteps of Garcia and Pena, two advanced Death Eaters, which were creeping toward us. All Jack could do was shake his head to let me know that he had no idea.   
"We need to try to surprise them, sneak up on them." He said determinedly.   
"No. We've already tried that and it _did not work_. We need to just go at it full force." I insisted as gripped my wand tightly.  
"We can't risk it." Jack said forcefully and before I could argue back, he dived out from behind the couch and dodged three curses before hiding behind a loveseat. I froze for a second, and then I dived in the opposite direction to crouch behind the door that led to a bedroom with four spells following me. I held my wand tightly to my chest ready to attack when needed.  
Breathing heavily, I peaked out from behind the door and saw Jack hiding behind the loveseat still. Then I noticed something- _Where are the Death Eaters?_

Something wasn't right. I knew something wasn't right. It was too quiet. I listened and the only sound I heard was the heavy breathing coming from my own body. I suddenly heard something that made my heart stop.

"_Avada Kedavra!_" Two voices echoed through the house, and using my instincts, I dived into the bedroom. Out of habit, I covered my head with my hands as the room was illuminated with green light. 

With one quick look to make sure that the coast was clear, I jumped to my feet and turned toward the door. Directly in my view, I saw a loose wand lying there that I noticed- It was Jack's. 

I felt sick. I felt alone. I felt like there was no reason to fight back anymore, but there was. And the back of my mind reminded me of that. So, grasping my wand with a new feeling of vengeance, I ran out into the living room and sought out the Death Eater team. 

Fury boiled in my heart, and it controlled my mind. Common sense was no longer an option and there was no way that logical thinking was going to enter my mind at this state. 

I caught sight of movement and lifted my wand, "_Mouche!_" Garcia was suddenly lifted off his feet and thrown through the air. In my experience I had learned that it's harder for Death Eaters to fight back when they are being thrown through the air, so I used his moment of weakness to my advantage. "_Douleur!_" 

He cried out in pain as he hit the floor and the spell caught him. He clutched his knee in pain and I silently thanked God for my success, but- _Aren't I forgetting something?_

"_Crucio!_" I had already experienced the Cruciatus Curse before, but I will never get used to it. I cried out in agony as Pena's curse hit me between the shoulder blades. Falling to the floor, all thoughts left me. Only the pain was left and I couldn't think of anything else. Nothing else would enter my mind… Nothing else.

~*End Flashback*~

            My relief of when I stunned the couple and brought them back to the Ministry was forgotten because relief was not a feeling that the Dementors allowed. They only allowed misery, fear, and pain. And these memories that were filling my head seemed so real, as if I were reliving them again, that it was hard to remember where I was. But I knew where I was and why I was there, and to play with me, the Dementors decided to remind me of that night as well.

~* Flashback – Date: October 31, 1981*~

            "Wormtail!" No answer. "Hey, Wormtail, you home?" Silence. "Peter?" The place was empty. There was no trace that there had been a struggle, so that meant that he hadn't been kidnapped. But he knew he wasn't supposed to leave home, he knew. But then that meant- _No!_

Jumping on my motorcycle, I flew up into the night air and zoomed to Godric's Hollow. I knew the route by heart since James and Lily had lived there since they got married. Praying to the great Lord above that my assumption was not correct, I descended from the cover of the clouds and neared their house.

My heart stopped. A Dark Mark was hovering over the house on the hill- _James and Lily's house_. And _Harry!_ I landed quietly and with a stunned stare at the ruins of the house, turned off my motorbike. I jumped off the seat and ran to where the front door once stood. 

_Please don't let them be dead. For god's sake, please don't let them be dead!_ I prayed as I dug through the rubble. And then I spotted something- _James_. Numbly walking over to the limp body, I rearranged the debris to get a better look at his dead body and felt tears surface. 

_Maybe Lily got away_, I hoped as a tear fell from my eye. Digging through the debris, I caught sight of a feminine hand. _Lily, why?_ I fell to my knees in shock, not having the strength to move the rubble from her body. I slumped weakly and cried lightly, letting a sob escape my lips every once in a while. I was nearly completely dry of my tears, when something moved. 

Looking up, I saw an eight-foot man not too far from me. He was hunched over where the Nursery once was.

"Hagrid." I croaked out and the man turned to face me, and in his arms were a bundle of blankets. "Harry!" I jumped to my feet. For a second the bundle was still and I thought his life had been taken as well, but then I heard a whimper come from the blankets and I rushed over to where they stood. "Hagrid, Harry survived? But how?"

"Don' know." Hagrid said gruffly and I saw that he had tear streaks of his own. 

I felt a sudden erg to protect Harry from any farther harm. "Give Harry to me, Hagrid, I'm Harry's godfather. I- I have the right to take him."

"Sorry, Sirius, Dumbledore's orders. I 'ave t' take Harry back t' Surrey." I began to object, but Hagrid went on. "'Orrible thing, You-Know-Who did. Killin' Lily and James. Kindest folks I know. But he couldn' kill Harry, nope. Harry here is special. 'Specially with the parents he has- or had." Hagrid suddenly let out a howl like sob as he held Harry tight.

"Voldemort did this?" I asked an anger building up inside of me. "And- And he couldn't kill Harry? What happened to him?"

"Don' know." Hagrid said sniffling rather loudly. I saw the first sun raise of the morning starting to show up from over the hill of Godric's Hollow and made my mind up. 

"Hagrid, go on and take my bike. I won't be needing it anymore." I said choking back the tears that were starting to resurface again. Hagrid began to object, but I interrupted him. "J- Just let me hold Harry one last time, please?" 

Hagrid nodded and handed little Harry to me and I held him close to me. I felt a fresh wave of tears coming and I didn't stop them, not this time. As one of my tears fell on Harry's cheek, he stirred in my arms and I bent down to kiss him on the opposite cheek. That was when I noticed the scar that resided on his forehead. _Damn Voldemort_. 

"I'm sorry, Harry." I whispered to him as Hagrid climbed onto my bike and waited for my to give the little boy back to him. "I'm sorry that I didn't see- that I didn't prevent this- prevent this from happening. It's all my fault, and I'm sorry." I handed Harry back to Hagrid and he nodded to me before starting the bike up and flying off into the dawn sky.

I walked back over to the rubble and surveyed it through watery eyes. "Damn you Peter. We trusted you and this is the way you repay us. By betraying us?" I stopped. "James! I'm sorry! Why didn't I see that the spy was Peter? Remus would never betray us! Why didn't I see that it was Peter? It's all my fault. I will get Peter though, James. For you. For Lily. And for Harry." And as one last angry tear fell down my face I disapparated with a _pop_.

~*End Flashback*~

Memories. They can be a horrible thing, especially when all of your memories are of pain and misery. As I sat there on my chamber floor, I felt fresh tears on my face and I damned Peter for what he did one more time. Maybe someday I'll get him back. And maybe someday I might get the chance to apologize to Remus for suspecting him and making him alone again. And maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be able to hold Harry again. 


End file.
